此心安处是吾乡——从《海上钢琴师》谈起

呼~~这篇文章终于发出来了

我记得这篇文章我从1月24日起开始写，但屡观文稿总觉不甚满意，改了又删，删了又改，竟不知所云。

今年春节，就在除夕当天，我终于看了《海上钢琴师》。这部电影要素很多，而且很感人（ps.这是唯一一部把我看哭了的电影）

为了避免剧透，这里不会讲述任何关于该电影的情节，不过我想贴一段台词在下面：

Why?Why?Why?Why?Why?Why?Why?Why?Why?Why?Why? I think you land people waste a lot of time asking yourselves why. Winter comes and you can't wait for summer, summer comes you live in dread of winter. That's why you are never tired of traveling. You're always chasing some place far away, where it's always summer.

 ——1900

All that city… you just couldn't see an end to it. End? Please, you please show me where it ends? It was all fine on that gangway, and I was grand too in my overcoat. I cut quite a figure and I was getting off, guaranteed. There was no problem. It wasn't what I saw that stopped me. It was what I didn't see. Can you understand that? What I didn't see. In all that sprawling city, there was everything except an end. There was no end. What I did not see was where the whole thing came to an end. The end of the world. Take a piano. Keys begin, keys end. You know there are 88 of them and no-one can tell you any different. They are not infinite, you are infinite. And on those keys the music that you can make is infinite. I like that. That I can live by. But you get me on that gangway and you rolling out in front of me a keyboard with millions and billions of keys that never end and that's the truth, they never end. That keyboard is infinite. And if that keyboard is infinite, then on that keyboard there is no music you can play. You're sitting on the wrong bench. That's God's piano. Christ! Did you see the streets? There were thousands of them! How do you do it down there? How do you choose just one? One woman, one house, one piece of land to call your own, one landscape to look at, one way to die. All that world just weighing down on you and you don't even know where it comes to an end. Aren't you ever just scared of breaking apart in the thought of it, the enormity of living in it? I was born on this ship. The world pass me by, but two thousand people at a time. And there were wishes here, but never more than fit between prow and stern. You played out your happiness but on a piano that was not infinite. I learned to live that way. Land? Land is a ship too big for me. It's a woman too beautiful. It's a voyage too long, perfume too strong. It'a music I don't know how to make. I can never get off this ship. At best, I can step off my life.

——1900 to Max

钢琴和音乐的确是很令人着迷的东西。我开始回想我十一年学钢琴的人生。

从坐上那个琴凳开始，已经匆匆流逝了十一个春秋。在那个琴凳上，我哭过，我笑过，我失败过，我也成功过。那个琴凳上承载了我的太多太多。

我学钢琴，完全是巧合。原本我家的钢琴是给我母亲用的。在四岁那年，我听着母亲在琴键上弹出的乐曲，我也不禁慢慢地走近。从那一刻起，我的生活开始和钢琴密不可分。

在后来的八年中，我辗转换了四个钢琴老师，学费不断地提高，级别不断地提高。我进步地很快，几乎每一任钢琴老师都会夸我有天赋，我都很高兴，却也很懈怠。小学三年级后，我的钢琴生涯开始变得功利。幼年对钢琴的热爱开始稀释，每天十分钟的练手似乎已经是最大限度。虽然从五级升至了九级，但心里反而更加空落。那琴每天就放在那里，我却努力地拖延上琴凳的时间。坐上了，也只是草草了事。

十二岁那年，我上了初中。没有了考级的重担，刚开始我感到无比的轻松，但没过多久，就开始感觉寂寥。

于是我又坐上了琴凳，每天感受琴键的光滑，感受乐曲的悠扬。那段时光，每每双手放上琴键，我的心就会感到愉快与美好。

正巧，她也喜欢钢琴。记得是六上的音乐大文科，我第一次听她弹琴。从那一刻起，她，和钢琴，仿佛都对我有了特殊的意义。

这之后钢琴就变得愈发重要。我学会了在琴键上抒发情绪。六下期末，英语考砸，区区93.5分的成绩使我内心无比烦躁。坐上琴凳，随着心潮的起伏，我开始演绎着门德尔松的无词之歌。边弹，边回想自己的备考之路，想起艰辛的过往，竟把这首本应欢快的歌谈得富有伤感。那一刻，我仿佛才明白音乐对于心灵的重要。

我坚持认为音乐是心灵的语言，运用音乐，我可以和自己的内心深处交流，我可以用音乐重新审视自己，重新感受生命，感受生活，感受未来几十年的人生画卷。音乐还可以带着我想象异乡的风情，感受明月的皎洁，甚至可以体会数学方程式的优美。（当然，考试的那种功利性方程除外，一般都是那种揭示本质的方程）

我曾经自己创作过五首乐曲，都记录在一本小本子上。那段时间，我一度热爱过数学。我曾经创作过一首描绘斐波那契数列的音乐，感受到了数与形的和谐之美。可以说，那段时间，音乐成为了我和数学的媒介。仿佛很奇怪，但这就是事实。

可惜我对数学的付出却等不来回报。很快她就打了我的脸。排名的一落千丈，混合着内心的波澜，如大海上的滔天巨浪，打翻了那条原本平静航行的数学之舟。埋葬数学的那天，我又弹起了琴。肖邦的乐曲在空中回想，葬礼的肃穆混着秋日的悲凉，夕阳染红了波光粼粼的湖面，金桂的飘香是最后的挽歌。

The wind's high oath, the sea's low sigh.

我和她的关系正常化之后，文学之梦再次扬起了风帆。

我一直认为，梦想就像一艘小船，每一艘船都有独特的形状。

数学之梦是一艘希腊式桨帆船，它是理性的，是哲学的，无论有风还是无风，都能够自由地在爱琴海中遨游。

文学之梦是一艘三桅帆船，需要强劲的感性之风才能使她鼓起风帆，但她高昂的舰首终将劈开雪白的海浪，高高扬起的风帆终将在这希望之风中驶向彼岸，驶向明天，驶向理性思维所不能抵达的境界。

感性的世界，更加需要音乐的滋养。文学之花，也需要心灵之土，音乐之水来浇灌。

对音乐的追求，仿佛其意境更加深远。那段时间，我弹奏了Clair de Lune，威尼斯船歌，月光曲等经典之作，虽然无法抵达那极高的境界，但已经足以让自己感受到其中的意义，至少是我能感受到的意义。至于其他，就交给时间去完成罢。

九年级，长时间不弹钢琴，使我几乎忘光了之前弹过的乐曲。记得那无数个夜晚，我只能半夜坐在琴凳上，望着空空如也的谱架，看着黑白相间的琴键，在明月下发呆。音乐之水开始干涸，虽然在无琴的桌面上和电脑键盘上练琴也常常发生，但毕竟自然蒸发了那原本广袤的大海。文学的三桅帆船，如今只能在一滩小小的湖泊中航行。

看过电影，1900对钢琴的深情呼唤仿佛给我了崭新的感受。我开始把人生当做一台更大的钢琴，去演奏属于我的那首乐曲，而这首乐曲，我将用一生去完成，去写就，去演绎，只为了在临终之前，在弥留之际，不再遗憾，不会感到自己的人生毫无意义。

我希望在音乐之海中做一朵小小的浪花，绽放过，存在过，又重新融入那蔚蓝的大海。

我希望重新注满我内心的大海，我希望这片海能够让那艘大船继续航行，沿着灯塔所指引的方向，沿着归宿的航线，继续航行。

人生如逆旅，我亦是行人。永远做一个小小的voyager，永远心怀感激，永远用音乐和文学的笔触去感受生活，兼用理性来理解宇宙，永远向美而行，永远热泪盈眶。

                                                                                                                                                                                                      2022年5月2日